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Sunday, December 21, 2014

:: My Sadness::

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah My blog headlines nowadays are really no joke ha. haha. more dramatic I guess. heheh. alright. Let me tell you a story. of course about the author of this blog la. its ME! tadaa... this is my blog. so I gonna tell a story about myself. not too deep and not too surface. Hopefully. When I go stand beside you or sit down beside you or suddenly confront you on your face, telling you that " I am sad. " , thats mean I really really meant it though I might giggling in front of you seems like I am joking around. you know I am not. To be honest, I am very seriously terribly expressive person. I will express it when I am sad or angry or happy. I am very bad at hiding things inside my heart. I still remember when I was in my secondary school, unknowingly, my eyebrows would went downwards when I was upset on something. and one of my classmate noticed it and he could simply tell me that I was angry at that time. and I just wondered how he easily detected it? or maybe I was unaware about that eyebrows? yup. my expression would never become a secret. how I wish I could hide a bit, and calmly smile infront of other people. I wish... sobsobsob I pray to Allah to make me to be more sabar person in life. for every tests Allah is testing me, I just want to face it with my sabar power. amin. ;'( I think I did mention in my last post that I am such a tearful person in real. Thats a real thing about me. I would just cry my heart out whenever I face something that I don't keen to face. I am so envy to those who really can keep their tears up. I wish my tear gland to be more strong rather than too fragile. now, a lot of things happened that really hit my tear gland at very high power. with a very no joke speed. But most of the time, I would cry infront of my closest friends. I am sad when I could not see my mother when she is just around me due to my bloody busy schedule. She would call me every night. almost every night to ask about my day. and the sad thing was that I could only answered her with simple words cause I was too exhausted. It really break my heart cause I could not kacau her with jokes or what. *teary* . somehow, I think my mother is the best at handling my emotion and she understand me the most. and yesterday before she really went back home after seeing me, I really hug her tightly. I could not utter anymore words to explain her how busy I was these few days and could not see you, can't even sit together with you for dinner or what. I wanted to cry but I really hold my tears. I dont want to show her my tiredness or my hardship. I reallly love you mak :'( I am sad when my friend who used to joke around me, brought me anywhere I want whenever I felt hungry, turned out to be a friend who simply dislike me in whatever manners I act upon. I am sad. I don't want things to simply filled with hatred. why you choose to hate me? why you choose to make me sad? why you choose to do that when last time you were the one that consoled me whenever I felt sad? why? I wish I am strong enough to face you and talk like usual. but I think I am more than weak to do that. I am weak and fear to face you. your expression could simply tell how much you dislike me. how you think I can simply talk to you leisurely? to be honest, I think my heart really going to burst out if I remember the things that you wrote. it was so harsh. your words, your actions... it really break my heart. deep inside my dirty heart, I pray to Allah that He is going to erase those harsh words from my heart and mind. and make us become close again. whatever it is, I would always love and care about you. wherever you are. please forgive me. I am sad when a guy simply approached me without any clear reason. and when I told you that I don't want to simply randomly contact with any guys. I need to take care of my maruah, my dignity. I am someone future wife or if thats not happening, I am for sure a future ahli kubur. when I tried to express my way of thinking, you simply assumed that I was too demand. you know how frustrated and sad to hear that? you know? I'm very blunt and naive person, I would sound really strict if I think something has gone beyond Islamic rule. I fear Allah would displease with that. I am telling you, I am a future wife, and I want to be true only to my future husband. So, it is fair for my future husband if I don't contact any guys randomly. if you try to ask me solution for that, how and how... I don't know the exact way but from what I learnt, do it in a right way. You could simply see me as a humour person and easy going person in real life. yes I am. but I am really never an easy person that you can simply hitch. too many sadness and I suddenly running out of ideas to write. owh. those bloody ants ambushing my breads! huh. how annoying. haha. but its okay, to those ants, you can eat my food, I won't kill you. but you know you are so annoying, semut semut!. I think I have to stop. half of my burden actually gone because I am writing here. you could see how blogging helps you with your problems right? but don't forget that Allah is The most Listening. tell Him everything. so I am telling you half of my sadness and tell Allah everything. hihi Kita bertanya: Kenapa aku diuji? Quran menjawab, "Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan."Kami telah beriman, sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji orang-orang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar, dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang berdusta." (Surah al-Ankabut: 2-3) kindest regards. xoxo