Assalamualaikum and salam ramadhaan to all.
Alhamdulillah. after ? a year ?, Allah still giving me the chance to taste the wonderful rahmah to once again enter the month of barakah, Ramadhan. In fact, it's feel like the last ramadhan ended just not so long ago. very quick like just in a blink of an eyes
Ramadhan is so "tasteful" . its "delicious"..its "refreshing"..Its "yummy" . it's night is decorated by countless wonderful stars and a loyal moon. it's day is filled with the breeze with the sufficient sunlight that make the clouds look so great from down here.
Indeed, without syaitan, we tend to avoid doing something that is not permissible. it's just how you get yourself back. your nafsu. In Ramadhan, crazy nafsu would push you back doing things that aren't just beneficial for yourself and what more for Islam. an advice to the me, restrict your nafsu from saying/doing anything to your imaan. in everthing that you do or you would like to do, put imaan at the first place and Allah would redha to you. Isn't Ramadhan is wonderful for us? Alhamdulillah
As for me, in hospital, they are so much things that I need to do in which I should draw my own line of restriction there. this is reality, everyone. Once you're in hospital, regardless you are doctors, medical students, nurses bla bla bla.. as long as you're in this line, there is no way to escape from touching your hand onto somebody's body. But of course Islam does allow certain exceptions. this work involving people's lives. and for me, my intention is to learn. LEARN AND GET KNOWLEDGE OF TREATING PEOPLE FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH. NO ONE EXCEPT ALLAH.
To recall back, when I was pacing my footsteps into Sibu Hospital a month ago, I was kinda excited. both pupils were dilated. the big smile and grinn never faded away from this face. the white coat always in good shape with all the buttons were on. always wanted to look professional huh?
but that was just awhile. from that time, I never knew that I would encountered so much problems filling up my life. I've become so much distracted in my prayers, I've started to give in a bit of my principle, I've started being dragged away by the atmosphere.
Then, I've realised that, O Allah, am I happy enough?
Do I have to touch countless young man in the hospital ? I am so freak that Allah is not redha with my stuffs. and Why am I started to think of something else when I've started to raise my hand upon said Allahuakbar in my prayers? why am I become so foolish and ignore the presence of Allah in everything that I do? Astaghfirullah.
In hospital, truly speaking, it is bloody hard to lower your gaze. the eyes always responding to someone that is not halal for me to look into. Why am I giving in damn easy? WHY?
I want to graduate. pray for me in these few years,amin.
True. to my future husband (if not in dunya, may Allah meets us in His Jannah), your future wife begging for your forgiveness because, I touch loads of male patients, I laugh crazily with my collegues whenever we face patients or discussing loads of funny/weird cases, I am not someone that you're expecting to be khusyuk in my prayers all the time, I am not someone that would always prepare for all your needs, I am someone that might always coming home late midnight or not even sleep in our house, I am not someone that you're expecting to date with you during weekend because everyday I have to go to hospital for the ward round,
I know that I might be the wife that would hurt you always. Future husband, Allah has chosen me to a part of this line, I redha with this destiny. I can't turn back. I can't turn back. not even my head. I can't.
I asked Allah 6 years ago in my du'a, "if this career is the best for me, bring me there. amin"
and Allah brought me here. I can't even lift up my footsteps backwards.
I'am half way there. half way to my dream. Half way to my ultimate dream.
Back to the main story, I deeply reflect myself and always ask myself "are you ok? need anything to cure your heart? need extra books to console your uneasy feeling? need new sejadah or telekung to make your solat perfect? what else shoud you do to return back your heart to Allah? what else? what's the problems? "
ok. so, I lost tract. [don't who to write unarranged stuffs in my head. ]
so, let me put an end here. and my last words, never forget to make doa for our beloved brothers and sisters in Syria, Palestine,Egypt,Myanmar, and our country as well. and pray for ummah as long as your breath still coming in and out. or you want to try ventilator?
they were syahid. they are the people of Jannah. Subhanallah. 
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