:: being harsh ::

Assalamualaikum

I can feel the tremor whenever i open up my blog. I have no idea though.

Happy ramadhan everyone. Alhamdulillah... i am going to start my next posting very soon. Life goes on as usual, as Allah's willing.

I got story to share though.
I'd encountered situation that to me was simple, but i really need to tell here.

One of my friend, which is a guy, he told me, not to be too harsh with guys. I startled and paused. Did I? All these while?

Then i realised there was one incident whereby my friend was telling me something randomly, and i was like.. what... then? Why would u even tell me.. unnecessary isnt. Then he pressed his forehead like very stressful gesture. Ohh. Did i just being harsh.. wasnt I?

From where and when i started ... i didnt realised. At all. For why i reacted all the way like that... i have no idea too.

And one of my friend talked down to me. He told me, why dont you get married? And so randomly like that.

Omg. Im not being picky. Im not. Not not... but i have right to choose. Because whoever i am going to choose, will stay with me, will be my bestest friend and i dont choose a random mate. To hold that title. My bestest friend yg halal.

I am 25 yo this year. For how long Allah gonna borrow this dunya to me, i dunno too. But for what i am very sure, Allah will send someone who will compliment my life, my absolute characters, and every single lacking that i have. InsyaAllah.

Pray to Allah for that. Amiin :'(

life as it is

Assalamualaikum

phew. it has been a while since i last blogging.

omg. too many things happen in my life...
it just beyond my control

i want to cry, but but but
no tears come out... yeayyyyyy

it gets dried. hahahahhaa

alhamdulillah. Allah makes me a stronger person because of useless event.

i just dont want to look behind again.  no more sadness..

life must go on. fightingggg.. insyaAllah. 😀

endless sadness

it has been a while not writing anything. i have one story. to tell . honestly, I dont and never ever understand a man. will never. giving promises like no day tomorrow, but once you got her, you simply treat her like a trash. nah. you didnt feel that . like pointing all her flaws in details. no. you cant do that. though you are a damn honest person, you seriously cant do that. everything you said or regurg out will not going to the air, it will go to her heart. betullah, the words really can tear the heart.
when she almost giving her heart, you simply crush her heart like nothing . like she will stay forever.
i was scared saying those final words to you. but i was determined. though it was a while, it was still a nightmare for me. being treated in such a way, my mistakes were clearly stated without mercy and concern, while im keeping my patience all this while. at last, i choose to leave when at first, i keep saying to stay. with all the injustice judgement, i choose to leave. not because of hatred, but i was too scared and traumatised. what will happen to my life after this? single forever? only Allah knows. but for sure, im in deep phase of hibernating. not going to open my heart to anyone. not this time. 😭😭😭😭😭

:: wishlists ::

Assalamualaikum How you doing? Good? Alhamdulillah I got another chance given by Allah to update my dusty kinda blog. Hihihi After I finished my medical school, my life goes on like usual. I mean, not really like usual, whereby I dont need to flip over my bloody medical books anymore!!! Thats something to celebrate guys. Alhamdulillah.

my daily activities has changed completely. for the time being, I am more towards mommy mommy routine except for doing laundry because my mom would not let me do that cause thats her forte for 30 years! Hooray Basically, I would help her cooking. Thats my forte guys... herherher. Sometimes I do bake things. Thats my all time interest! I love baking that I think I really want to own a bakery! In the future? Perhaps

For these few months, a lot of things happened. Personally, I think thats a normal process of a human being. Stages of life. Herherherher

Im not going to talk about that anyway. Because my post today would be something about my dreams. Something that I wish to do and even after I become a wife 1 day, insyaAllah, hopefully my future husband would allow me to do them.

1. Perform an umrah/hajj
I guess, its not just my dream. Its everyone dreams. Right??? I wish I could go there in my young age. Of course, those chosen by Allah to be His honourable guests in that holy land are lucky! Currently, I have to make sure my account is bertingkek tingkek. InsyaAllah... of course I would count my parents in. May Allah ease my intention. Amin

2. Be a wife
I can't denied how lucky is the person getting that title. A wife to si polan bin polan. I mean, hey, thats your ticket to jannah if you are doing a great duty as a wife! Sapa taknakkk? I am 24yo. I think in my previous previous post, when i was in year 3, i wrote something about my target age to get married. Its 21yo, 23yo, 25yo and 28yo. Hahahaha... so childish.. now, I think it can be at any age as it has already written in luh mahfuz kan? So, to the garbage those childish targets. Hahahahaa...
to be a wife, you need to learn a lot of things. Housechores, akhlak as a wife, akhlak as a menantu, akhlak to both my parents and bla bla bla... it is endless. I hope my future husband would understand me. My childish act, my clumsiness, my weird behaviour sometimes, my tiredness, my expresions, my sifat penakut, I can't sleep alone in a room, because i cant stand mistik2 things... thats why i dont prefer ghost stories or movies. My eating behavior, my blunt and blur nature and all. Its okay. I would brief my future husband more details after we get married.

3. Backpacking travels
I wish after i perform umrah or hajj, i wish to go for backpakcing. I dont prefer beach or ocean cause it scares me. Sunburn summore. Ergh..my dream destination is somewhere that has mountain like padang indonesia? One of them. Owh... turki also included. Sapa taknak g turki? Loser.
Why I choose backpacking style? Jimat la of course. A cheapskate like me would do everything to save money. Sometimes, boros jugekkkk...

4. Be a novelist
Actually, I love writing! Hehehehe... of course I love talking too.
My journey and dream to be a novelist is not easy. I step on abundant thorns along the journey. Sobsobsob. I start writing and working on 1 novel since matrik I think. And it is in my laptop like if I got ideas, I would add in stuffs in my novel. It actually lasted until my medical school like until year 4 before the tragedy happened. Sobsobsob...
my novelllll... *slapslap
Actually i wrote almost 100++ pages. You know, from a nasty nasty novel and I add in islamic touch.... and it towards the end guys. ...when my younger brother formated my laptop because of virus hatch in it. Gosh! I hate virusssses... and a dumb like me only did backup on my medical notes. But I just realised that I didnt backup my novel. And it just burn like that. Cruel viruses featuring a stupid me. I was at a total loss at that time. Its okay. I hope my future husband will get that file back. I know its impossibleeeee!!!  Why must be my future husband? Because my novel is my top secret until it is being published. But now, all of my years writing that bloody novel is in vain. Sia sia. So, i dont think I can write again. Sedih right?

5. Fix my old smartphone
I am using asus right now. But i miss my old samsung galaxy. All my photos since 3rd year in there. After I left my medical school, i put it inside a box... hopefully i dint misplace it. Wait ya samsung... I will be looking for you.

6. Gardening
Ngeeeee... i got a new interest. Yet to be practiced. Hihihi.. I watched majalah 3 and there was 1 slot about gardening. A husband and wife both doing that activity... wow... so interestingggg... they plant vegies and I myself would like to plant too... insyaAllah...

* I think thats all for the time being. Will add on later on in the same post. I am sleepy. Eh tetiba... really... maybe because of that novel. Ergh.
* i found my blogging activity becomes easy peasy as i can just update my blog using my smartphone.

Dan Allah lah yang menjadikan kita tertawa and menangis.

:: bye bye, medical school! ::

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarokatuh hi, how are you doing? :) Alhamdulillah, I've gotten myself some precious time actually, to update my blog. hehe to whom it may concern (kekeke), alhamdulillah, with the help from Allah SWT, I passed my final professional examination. the result was endorsed on 9th May 2015 (around 3 weeks ago). Alhamdulillah tsumma Alhamdulillah. 5 years stuffing my brain with a lot of medical stuffs, lemme take some break after final exam before I am called for work. so, I am officially penganggur sementara for the time being. hopefully, it would not take long time to call my friends and I for housemanship. you know, things inside this brain can sometimes become rusted, though brain is not a metal (lame joke, ezah!) haha let me tell you what I got during my exam. I was given patient with gastric carcinoma (kanser perut). I was given 1 hour (sharp, really), to ask the patient and at the end come out with my diagnosis. and after 1 hour, there were 3 examiners (one from private hospital, one from UNIMAS and another one was ... I can't remember his name and from which hospital he is working, but he is a physician.) . so, these 3 examiners listened to my history regarding the patient. hihi. I was so nervous that I think my hands were trembling and cold as ice! really. 'this is it! this is the final. and you are going to be a doctor after this. insyaAllah" Thats what I told myself before I met the patient. that patient seriously very cooperative patient! Alhamdulillah. just a short recap about my exam that day. now, I am waiting for the call from the ministry of health. faster cause I wanna work! insyaAllah. I will be a good doctor to my patients, improve my patience, sharpen my knowledge and clinical skills. insyaAllah biiznillah. amin 'dan berbuat baiklah (kepada orang lain) sebagaimana Allah SWT telah berbuat baik kepadamu, dan janganlah kamu berbuat kerosakan di muka bumi. Sesungguhnya Allah SWT tidak menyukai orang2 yang berbuat kerosakan' (Al Qashas 28: 77)

:: My Sadness::

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah My blog headlines nowadays are really no joke ha. haha. more dramatic I guess. heheh. alright. Let me tell you a story. of course about the author of this blog la. its ME! tadaa... this is my blog. so I gonna tell a story about myself. not too deep and not too surface. Hopefully. When I go stand beside you or sit down beside you or suddenly confront you on your face, telling you that " I am sad. " , thats mean I really really meant it though I might giggling in front of you seems like I am joking around. you know I am not. To be honest, I am very seriously terribly expressive person. I will express it when I am sad or angry or happy. I am very bad at hiding things inside my heart. I still remember when I was in my secondary school, unknowingly, my eyebrows would went downwards when I was upset on something. and one of my classmate noticed it and he could simply tell me that I was angry at that time. and I just wondered how he easily detected it? or maybe I was unaware about that eyebrows? yup. my expression would never become a secret. how I wish I could hide a bit, and calmly smile infront of other people. I wish... sobsobsob I pray to Allah to make me to be more sabar person in life. for every tests Allah is testing me, I just want to face it with my sabar power. amin. ;'( I think I did mention in my last post that I am such a tearful person in real. Thats a real thing about me. I would just cry my heart out whenever I face something that I don't keen to face. I am so envy to those who really can keep their tears up. I wish my tear gland to be more strong rather than too fragile. now, a lot of things happened that really hit my tear gland at very high power. with a very no joke speed. But most of the time, I would cry infront of my closest friends. I am sad when I could not see my mother when she is just around me due to my bloody busy schedule. She would call me every night. almost every night to ask about my day. and the sad thing was that I could only answered her with simple words cause I was too exhausted. It really break my heart cause I could not kacau her with jokes or what. *teary* . somehow, I think my mother is the best at handling my emotion and she understand me the most. and yesterday before she really went back home after seeing me, I really hug her tightly. I could not utter anymore words to explain her how busy I was these few days and could not see you, can't even sit together with you for dinner or what. I wanted to cry but I really hold my tears. I dont want to show her my tiredness or my hardship. I reallly love you mak :'( I am sad when my friend who used to joke around me, brought me anywhere I want whenever I felt hungry, turned out to be a friend who simply dislike me in whatever manners I act upon. I am sad. I don't want things to simply filled with hatred. why you choose to hate me? why you choose to make me sad? why you choose to do that when last time you were the one that consoled me whenever I felt sad? why? I wish I am strong enough to face you and talk like usual. but I think I am more than weak to do that. I am weak and fear to face you. your expression could simply tell how much you dislike me. how you think I can simply talk to you leisurely? to be honest, I think my heart really going to burst out if I remember the things that you wrote. it was so harsh. your words, your actions... it really break my heart. deep inside my dirty heart, I pray to Allah that He is going to erase those harsh words from my heart and mind. and make us become close again. whatever it is, I would always love and care about you. wherever you are. please forgive me. I am sad when a guy simply approached me without any clear reason. and when I told you that I don't want to simply randomly contact with any guys. I need to take care of my maruah, my dignity. I am someone future wife or if thats not happening, I am for sure a future ahli kubur. when I tried to express my way of thinking, you simply assumed that I was too demand. you know how frustrated and sad to hear that? you know? I'm very blunt and naive person, I would sound really strict if I think something has gone beyond Islamic rule. I fear Allah would displease with that. I am telling you, I am a future wife, and I want to be true only to my future husband. So, it is fair for my future husband if I don't contact any guys randomly. if you try to ask me solution for that, how and how... I don't know the exact way but from what I learnt, do it in a right way. You could simply see me as a humour person and easy going person in real life. yes I am. but I am really never an easy person that you can simply hitch. too many sadness and I suddenly running out of ideas to write. owh. those bloody ants ambushing my breads! huh. how annoying. haha. but its okay, to those ants, you can eat my food, I won't kill you. but you know you are so annoying, semut semut!. I think I have to stop. half of my burden actually gone because I am writing here. you could see how blogging helps you with your problems right? but don't forget that Allah is The most Listening. tell Him everything. so I am telling you half of my sadness and tell Allah everything. hihi Kita bertanya: Kenapa aku diuji? Quran menjawab, "Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan."Kami telah beriman, sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji orang-orang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar, dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang berdusta." (Surah al-Ankabut: 2-3) kindest regards. xoxo

:: What has written::

Bismilahirahmanirahim. Assalamualaikum

I have no idea why I have this kind of mushy mushy mood these few days.
Hormonal imbalance perhaps? or maybe Iman Imbalance?  Dangggg... Hit me right on my nose!

Oh before I start, I want to express my syukur to Allah SWT , because of His Merciful, I passed my Orthopaedics exam! :')   Yesterday, or a week before the result out, I was praying hard to Allah, keep my heart at ease and peace though I failed in my short case :'( to give me strength to continue my next posting. Anything can happen right? I might fail my ortho and I dont even confident whether I did well in my long case even. BUT BUT.... Allah is The Greatest. Alhamdulillah. Subhanallah. He is The Most Merciful towards His creations. I passed my exam at last. Alhamdulillah.... May He gives me strength to do well in my current posting and the same goes to my friends too. InsyaAllah. :')

Alright. These few days I've been thinking to update my blog. About "what has written".
I attended my friend's wedding and in just few days, my cousin pulak going to have her wedding.
Barakallah. SO you know right why I am writing this? with my mushy mushy mood. heheh.

when people talk about wedding or meeting someone for real, I am so freak to have such an extensive and excessive talk about that. WHY? because I am afraid. Is there really a person that willing to spend life with me? in future? or near future?
I told myself, InsyaAllah there is, because our jodoh already written in Luh Mahfuz. No doubt about that. It just a matter of time.

Marriage is definitely one of the many many many many goals in one's life. Don't bluff of saying that you do not intended to meet someone one day...

It takes abundant times, and prays to choose, what more to those who terribly picky in searching.

To me, a soul partner till jannah aka partner in crime (heheh) is someone that seriously accepting you in whatever ways you bring yourself inside and out.

You do the math. How many guys out there that only searching for partners with good looks? good materials? good bods? (read: bodies). 99.9%! I dare you to cut my fingers if they aren't!

Where is the 0.01% guys huh? I wish. hurm.

A guy who accept you physically and your characters,

Physically, a guy who accept,
1. flaws on your face. a girl with the most acne counts on earth
2. a girl with the lowest nasal bridge on planet
3. a girl who has ugliest eyes
4. a girl with thickest darkest eyebrows
5. a girl with noodle like hair or sparse hair
6. a girl who has widest diameter of legs circumference or girl with freaking chopstick like legs

what the fishhhhhh.... Is there any guys out there that don't mind about that? only looking at heart? hard to say huh?

Prophet Muhammad counted in 0.01 % man. The dream guy ever.

In term of your character, he who willing to accept....

1. a girl who is slow brainer. haha. her math is waaaayyyyyyyy rusted. haha. She needs her phone calculator when she just need to calculate less than rm10.00 money. pity her.

2. she is too clumsy. gosh. she is always giggling and clumsy. she walks clumsily, she talks clumsily. she tries to contol her clumsiness and it seems like she is going to become cyanosed if she keeps her clumsiness inside her head.

3. she is messy. messy enough. with her laundry, and unfolded clothes. she tries to tidy her table, and 5 mintues after that, everything become so messy again. maybe her books having any hidden legssss????

4. She is too excited and loud. you barely see her uvula when she laughs (metaphore). that means, she is too loud, talks noisily. Only when she develops ulcers on her tongue then she laughs politely. sadisnya.

5. she is extremely naive. you tell her any false stories, she would believe you to death. haha. she cannot accept if you scold her or being angry of her for ridiculous reasons.

6. she doesn't know how to express her love in proper way. She could give you a gift, or say she loves you, but her face turned pink and cyanosed sometimes. heheh. too embarassing for her.

7. She doesn't know how to express her temper in a better way or positive way. she either scold you right away, cry her heart out or if she keeps silent, that even dangerous. hurmmm.

8. and her tearssss... omg. she is such a tearful person ever. you might think she is too sensitive or too emotional. she would cry if people dislike her for some reasons, she would cry if her cats die and many more reasons to cry. haha. she feels stronger if she cries.

9. she is very firm with her decision that you might think she is tooooooooo stubborn. be mindful.... she is firm, not a stubborn person. if you tell her good reasons, she will easily give in to you.

Lastly, I read somewhere. it says " you don't see things as it is."

if she is a clumsy person, you take it as a bonus. for you. this type of soulmate needs really good care. when you go out with her, no matter how many children you have in future, please please and please you still need to hold her hand when you want to cross the road cause she just simply dash away leaving you behind to the opposite road cause she is too nervous. bahaya2x.... stand with her at the counter when she is paying money cause she would just simply take the money without counting first and walk away forgetting all her plastic bags with the things that she just bought. Teroknyaaaa....
she doesn't know how to read the clock with 24-hour system. she takes sometimes to analyse it. told ya, her math is simply lousy.

if she is a messy wife, you sit down and do some soft talk with her. what you can tolerate and what you cannot tolerate with. Told ya, she is naive. If you being frank with her, don't simpan2... she will accept it and try to improve. if she doesn't even bother to iron your baju kerja, thats too much lah kan. if she is more to kitchen thingy, why can't you even move your pseudo paralyse hands and help her to kemas2 the living room ka.... easy kan....

if she is too loud... it is a modifiable factor lah. if day 1 live together, you jaw would drops seeing her uvula for real when she laughs, without even need a tongue depressor, you tell her to change from day to day in a good and sweet manner. Don't simply shout and pull out her uvula. Ohhhhh thats my cruel and cartoon(ist) imagination only. !she would change. to be a better person and wife.
if you enjoy to hear her laugh, you tell her please laugh like that only in front of me cause I kinda jealous if other guys enjoy your laugh. she will control that. InsyaAllah.

if you want to write about weaknesses that one's has, it is endless....
you could not change that in 1 day, you accept
and if there is things to change, do it slowly. don't force.

is there any guy that could accept you as you are?? Ah... I feel like going for a good travel (perform Umrah ke...) to calm myself down... too much weaknesses of me. hmm.

May Allah eases our jodoh . amin.

"Say: whether you hide what is in your hearts or manifest it, Allah knows it, He knows whatever is in the heaven and whatever is in the earth, and Allah has power over all things " (Surah Ali Imraan:29)